Overcoming your child's separation anxiety at sleep times

Separation anxiety can turn bedtime and nap time into a struggle, leaving both parents and children feeling overwhelmed. If your once peaceful bedtime routine has become a nightly challenge, you're not alone. Separation anxiety is a common developmental phase, but that doesn't make it any easier to navigate. The good news? With the right strategies, you can help your child overcome their fears and make sleep time a comforting experience once again. 

In this blog, we’ll explore what separation anxiety is, how to recognize it at bedtime, and the steps you can take to ease your child's anxiety. Whether you're dealing with tears at bedtime or middle-of-the-night wake-ups, this guide will provide you with the tools and encouragement you need to restore peace to your evenings. Let's go!

What is separation anxiety?

Separation anxiety is a natural stage where your baby or toddler feels distressed when apart from you. This anxiety might be particularly intense with one primary caregiver, though it can extend to both parents. During this phase, your baby is likely to protest any attempt you make to leave, even if it's just for a short while.

Separation anxiety often peaks around 8 months and again at 18 months, but it can also surface at other times. The key developmental milestone driving this anxiety is your baby’s understanding of object permanence. Before this cognitive leap, your baby perceives the world moment by moment, only aware of what’s immediately around them. Once they grasp object permanence, they realize that you continue to exist even when you're out of sight.

This newfound awareness can make your baby anxious when you leave because they now understand that you're somewhere else, and they can truly miss you. Every baby will react to this realization differently, which is why some may become clingy at different stages. However, many will experience separation anxiety at some point as they adjust to this developmental change.

Signs you are dealing with separation anxiety at sleep time

So how do you know if separation anxiety is causing issues with sleep? You may notice that your little one starts to cry when you place them in their crib or when you head to their room because they know separation is coming. They may call out for you more frequently than usual at night or during naps because they are missing you. If your baby is helped to sleep, they may start fighting sleep because they know that once they succumb to sleep you will leave their side. 

Of course there can be many different factors that can impact your child’s sleep from needing a schedule tweak to teething and even sickness. However, there are some pretty clear signs to be on the lookout for.  Let’s discuss them below:

You notice signs of separation anxiety that aren’t related to sleep time:  Maybe your child recently started experiencing anxiety at daycare drop off or when you take them to their grandparents while you go on a date night. Perhaps they freak out when you leave their line of sight to go into another room. These are things that happen during a bout of separation anxiety and you can be sure that if they are going through this during the day, they will go through it at sleep time as well.

Sleep issues only present when the primary caregiver is putting the child down: As I mentioned above, sometimes separation anxiety is only present with the primary caregiver. If Mom is home with the baby during the day, the baby may only show signs of separation anxiety when leaving Mom, but not when leaving Dad. Therefore, if there is no issue when Dad puts the baby down for naps and bedtime, then it’s probably separation anxiety related.

A quick tip for this scenario: If one parent has an easy time putting the baby down but it’s a disaster when the other one does it, lean into that. Let the non-preferred parent do put downs for a while while the primary parent “leaves” the house. This can give you a break from separation anxiety at sleep time.

Baby seems tired at their usual time but loses it when you try to leave the room: Everything seems normal. Your child isn’t showing signs of needing a schedule tweak because you can tell they are ready for their nap. However, the second they realize you are about to leave them, they become very upset. This is another clear sign that separation anxiety is at play. In this case, we don’t need to make a bunch of schedule or routine tweaks because the issue is not related to those things.

Child settles almost instantly when you come back in the room: If the scenario above happens and you decide to come back into the room and go pick up your child, you notice that they quickly settle back down once in your arms. They seem tired and relaxed (because they are truly ready to sleep) but they are just resisting the separation- not the sleep.

Combating separation anxiety with a consistent bedtime routine

When separation anxiety peaks, it can be so sudden and shocking that parents tend to overreact. When parents overreact, they often decide to start changing everything up at once. They may overhaul their bedtime routine, start trying different things every night, and make big schedule changes. However, that is the last thing your child needs if they are going through separation anxiety.

What your child actually needs during separation anxiety is a consistent and predictable routine. Routines and predictability help your child feel safe. Even though big changes are happening in their brain and body, you want to minimize the change they will experience on the outside. When going through anxious times, the best thing you can do for your child is offer a safe and predictable environment so that you aren’t adding to their stress. 

Do your best to maintain your usual bedtime and naptime routine. Do everything exactly the same as your child is used to- even though they are now going through a period of responding differently.

Avoid sneaking away when going through separation anxiety

I know, I know. It’s tempting to try sneaking away when your child goes through separation anxiety but it’s not the best approach. The best way to work through anxiety is to face it and learn to cope with it. Your child will be better off when they learn that they can be away from Mom or Dad and still feel safe. Sneaking away doesn’t allow them the same kind of experience of facing their fears and it can cause the bout of separation anxiety to last longer.

In general, you don’t want to sneak out of the house but instead calmly announce your departure. Same thing with drop offs. Don’t wait until they’re distracted to leave but instead give them a hug, a kiss and say goodbye as you confidently walk out of the room. This gives them the opportunity each time to notice you leaving, have their feelings about it, work through it, and then discover that you always come back when you say you will.

Going along with this theme of not sneaking away is the recommendation to not stay in the room as they fall asleep and then sneak out once they are asleep. Not only can this backfire by causing your child to resist sleep because they know you will just leave once they fall asleep, but it also denies them the chance to work through their anxiety and come out on the other side of it. 

If your child currently has independent sleep habits where they are able to be put down awake and then fall asleep on their own- you’re going to want to continue doing that. They may have a bit of a harder time doing that right now but in the long term, this will be the best option forward. It will help give them confidence and experience for times when they aren’t right by your side.

Keeping a positive perspective about separation anxiety

Separation anxiety can truly be so frustrating. It’s hard to see your little one so upset and it’s hard to not want to shelter them from feeling this way. But instead of letting it ruin your days, I want to give you a little piece of encouragement. It is a natural part of life for your children to have short periods of separation from you. Whether that be while they are at daycare, while a parent is out running an errand, or while it’s sleep time in their crib. Every single day you have the opportunity to practice planned separation from them as they sleep. These are great opportunities for them to learn that everything is still okay and that they are still safe- even when they aren’t physically with you. These are important lessons for them to learn and you get to be their teacher!

Final thoughts

Navigating separation anxiety at sleep times can be challenging, but it’s important to remember that this phase is a normal part of your child’s development. By understanding what separation anxiety is and recognizing its signs, you can take the necessary steps to create a comforting and consistent bedtime routine that helps your child feel secure. Avoiding the temptation to sneak away and maintaining a positive outlook will support your child in overcoming their fears, ultimately making bedtime a peaceful experience once again.

If you find yourself struggling to manage your child's separation anxiety or need additional support to restore harmony to your evenings, I’m here to help! Let’s work together to create a personalized plan that meets your child's unique needs. Book a free consultation, and let’s make sleep time easier for both you and your little one.