How to handle your toddler being afraid of the dark
Toddler sleep can be so tricky! Not only do you have the crib to bed transition, dropping naps, and potential new siblings, but you also have night time fears popping up as well. As a parent, it can feel so disheartening when your child suddenly develops fears at nighttime. You know how much they still need sleep and it can be frustrating to see fears come out of nowhere.
As I’ve worked with families through these nighttime fears, I find most parents just feel so caught off guard by nighttime fears. They tend to throw all their skills and sleep expectations out the window when a blip like this pops up. I decided to put together my tips for helping your child navigate their nighttime fears so you don’t feel like you’re lost if you ever go through this phase.
When to expect nighttime fears
As your child reaches 2 years of age, their imagination is budding and that gives them the ability to imagine scary things. This may manifest as fears of the dark, fears of being alone in their room, and even fears that they can’t quite express. While it can feel really shocking and upsetting to have your child feel scared, it is a very normal developmental milestone. Most children will go through it at some point between 2 and 4 years of age- sometimes there will be multiple phases in that span of time.
It’s not uncommon for nighttime fears to come out as you are working through other sleep issues as well. Oftentimes, children who are switched out of their crib at a young age become more fearful at night. It’s also normal for a child who has a new sibling to become more anxious about separating from their parents at sleep time. Sometimes you will find that your child’s new nighttime fear is about a lot more than just being scared at bedtime. You may need to be a detective and figure out what else is going on in your toddler’s life that is making them feel more anxious.
Focus on talking about fears during the day
When you inevitably hit this stage of nighttime fears, don’t shy away from talking about it. While we don’t want to spend a lot of time focusing on it at night, we do want to talk through fears during the day. This will obviously look different depending on your child’s age and ability to express themselves. It may be more of a one sided conversation if they are younger and that’s okay.
Try to ask them questions about what they have said they are scared of. Gently probe to see if you can get to the bottom of the fears. Is this something they saw on tv? Is this a scary costume they saw someone dressed as? Is this unrelated to something they’ve seen and simply something they’ve created in their mind?
If they are able, have them draw what they are scared of. If it’s a monster or creature, talk about how they can change it to be something silly. Maybe by drawing a dress on a bear or a hat on a snake. If they are scared of something that isn’t real like monsters or aliens, talk candidly about how those things aren’t real so they don’t need to worry.
You can even share your own story with them about something that may have scared you as a child and how you conquered your fears.
Give lots of reminders throughout the day that they are safe and that nothing bad is going to happen at bedtime. Avoid saying things like, “I’ll keep you safe” and instead opt for things like, “You are safe.”
Provide accommodations as necessary but don’t go overboard
If your child is afraid of the dark, it’s okay to introduce a night light at this time. But be careful that you don’t overdo it. One red night light (red light doesn’t inhibit melatonin production) is just fine but adding a second nightlight, a lamp, a closet light, and the door cracked with the hallway light on is just too much. Confidently offer a nightlight and if your child continues to ask for more after that, it’s okay to say no.
If your child is afraid of being alone, it’s okay to offer to stay with them until they fall asleep. But it’s important to understand that this likely won’t be something they stop asking for on their own. In the future, at some point, you will need to reset the boundaries if you don’t want to continue staying in their room at bedtime and throughout the night when they wake.
Instead of staying with them as they fall asleep, I typically opt for telling them you’ll stay an extra 2-5 minutes as their eyes adjust to the darkness and then leave the room. Or offer to check on them occasionally as they lay quietly in bed. These options can keep the lines from blurring too much and can help them gain confidence as they face their fears instead of taking steps backwards.
Be clear and concise in the moment
I mentioned that talking and having discussions about nighttime fears is great during the day but when it comes to sleep time, we do not want to be pulled into chatty conversations. Nighttime is the time for sleep and that means trying not to be pulled into the back and forth. You’ll want to have very clear and concise responses for any fears they bring up. Here’s a great way to navigate some of those tough conversations:
If your child says, “Mommy, don’t leave, I’m scared.”
You want to start by narrating the situation: “I know you are feeling scared lately when it’s time for Mommy to leave.”
Then validate their feelings and offer reassurance: “It’s okay to feel scared about being alone but you are perfectly safe in your cozy room.”
Finally, lovingly remind them of the boundary: “I will be in the living room while you fall asleep. You can do this. I love you.”
Obviously, you don’t have to follow this script exactly but try to hit those main points of narrating, validating, reassuring, and holding the boundary. It really helps to show them that you are calm and confident (which helps them feel less anxious), and it helps you know how to respond without losing your cool or giving in and responding in ways that you may regret the next night.
Help them work through their fears instead of shielding them from fears
I feel that this is the most important thing for parents to understand about nighttime fears with their children. Fears do not magically disappear. And they especially don’t go away if they are ignored or avoided. In fact, avoiding the things that make you scared or anxious just makes those fears grow bigger under the surface.
In order for fears to dissipate, we need to work through them. We have to face them. By helping your child face their fears, you aren’t needlessly subjecting them to scary things- you’re giving them important coping tools that they can learn to use now and in the future.
For the families that I work with, I try to reframe their thoughts around tackling nighttime fears. Often, parents start with the thought that: “I need to protect my child from feeling scared.”
I argue that:
A) That isn’t even possible because we can’t control how your child feels but also…
B) That doesn’t do them any favors. They are going to have times in their life when they are scared and it’s our job as parents to help them work through those anxious feelings.
Instead of feeling like you must play the protector role, I encourage parents to think of it like this instead: “I am helping my child face their fears now, in the safety of our loving home, so they will know how to face their fears in the future when I can’t control all the variables.”
Final thoughts
I know nighttime fears can be hard to manage and it’s completely normal as a parent to want to shield your child from any discomfort. But next time you’re in this situation, think about how much confidence and coping skills you can teach them by tackling nighttime fears in this different way.
If you feel that your toddler’s sleep issues are deeper and more complex than a couple random nighttime fears, then let’s chat! I love helping families tackle their sleep issues and getting everyone the rest they need to grow and thrive. Schedule a free call with me and we can talk through your sleep situation and see if we’d make a good fit to work together. I can guide you toward the right sleep package and we can start working towards peaceful bedtimes.
